Don’t fake it just make it!

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. Well, the Monday dread has set in, I am not ready for Monday morning at all I am not ready for another week at work and I am not ready to face my problems head-on. There I was honest, unfortunately, there is some unavoidable drama heading in my direction and I can’t change direction because I need to face this head-on. I want to hide behind my anxiety and just give up and hide from the world that has some crappy people in it, but that small spark in me that wants to give those crappy people the finger keeps me from hiding under my covers.
So here I am world scared shitless of what you can do to me but still moving forward no matter what.

So my tip of the day – Don’t fake it just make it!

Where does faking it get you? Is faking just another way of lying to yourself? So many questions but so little time, so why spend so much energy on faking it when you can just be you. So I cry when I am stressed so I can go through times where I eat my feelings and so I can be a little bitchy well a lot bitchy at times that doesn’t mean I can’t make it.
I can make it just being me I don’t need to pretend to be something else to get there. If making it was meant to be easy then would it be worth it in the end? I can and I will fight for myself to get what I want and deserve, the road won’t be easy and I know the hurdle I face next week won’t be the first or the last but I will get over it.

 

Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx

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that crazy little thing called love.

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. So the sun is shining but I can still see the clouds in the distance and there is a slight wind of anxiety in the air. Not quite fully recovered but moving in the right direction and I am so glad that I can feel my mind able to focus on different things again, being able to feel joy and excitement creep back in can bring a tear to my eye.
The more I go through these cycles the more grateful I feel for the small things we can take advantage of and the more I feel less torrent to bullshit. Being able to have a better understanding of emotion the more I can sense when something is damaging to me emotionally. I do feel that having bipolar and anxiety has given me a barrier against people, yes that can mean I can push the people I live away and find it hard to connect to people because of that fear of being hurt. It also has protected me against people who did have good intentions towards me, it gives me a chance to read people at a save distance to decide whether that person could get closer to me. I know this all sounds like I am pushing the world away but for me, it is just me adapting to the world around me and not making the same mistake over and over again and trusting so easily.

So to move on to my tip of the day – that crazy little thing called love.

Love is a wonderful thing and is an important thing for a person to grow and learn. Love can bring positive and negative into our lives but we have to be able to take the god with the bad or we don’t feel what love can do for us. I have felt unloved and loved in my life so far and both parts have taught me something about myself and also how I treat others. Love is crazy and shouldn’t really have a definition, as no love is the same, as the way I love my boyfriend is different to the way I love reading.
Love is crazy and unexplainable so why try to label it because it can fit into many boxes.

Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Are you afraid of the dark?

 

93614-Helen-Keller-Quote-Oh-you-think-the-darkness-is-your-ally-but-you.jpgHey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. There is only the odd cloud in the sky now and I am relishing in the sunlight, I no longer fear the darkness, as I know daylight soon follows. This is the thing though it sucks having a mental illness, to put it bluntly, but I do feel because of my mental illness I am able to understand a lot better without the downs how do we recognize when we are up? So just how I am bathing in the sunlight today, one day I will learn not to be so afraid of the dark. I find it quite ironic that life can be a bit of a rollercoaster at times, as I hate rollercoasters. Life is full of twists and turns and highs and lows but eventually, your feet find the ground again it just takes time.

My tip of the day is –

Don’t be afraid of the dark.

Darkness can strike fear in the strongest man and bring them to their knees. There is no control in the darkness so anything can happen, you lose many things in the dark but you also can gain. Where do you think bravery and determination come from, the darkness doesn’t also have to end in something negative you can grow in the dark. When you find yourself in the darkness you are scared and lost but when you eventually find your way out, you are no longer afraid you are a warrior who has come home from battle a little wounded, yes, but stronger than you were before.
There are many different analogies I could use for this I could compare it to Bane or even bears hibernating. The darkness can show you the way; you just have to depend on the other senses you necessary wouldn’t normally depend on.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

We can fall apart but we can also fall back together.

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. Well the storm is settling and I can finally hold my face up to the rain and smile, I can taste the raindrops on my tongue with no fear of being struck by lightning. The best thing about this is the emotional intensity is decreasing and the levels are going back to normal, well whatever that is. I can do all those small emotional things like smile and frown without the worry it is going to turn into something more extreme. Having that small bit of control back gives my life back to me and not to my bipolar and anxiety and that feels fucking amazing.
Now I have my demons back on a short leash I can concentrate better, my mind is no longer foggy and I can look at the bigger picture instead of the small one the fog was showing me.

We can fall apart but we can also fall back together.

Things fall apart from time to time lets face it; no one can say they haven’t had things go wrong. It is so easy to focus on the walls crumbling down around us instead of seeing that the rumble is turning into something new and even different at times. Falling apart is not the end of the world, it may be a new chapter in our life’s beginning.
New beginnings are painful and honestly irritating as fuck but necessary, how can we move forward if we are stuck in the past.

 

 

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

The watercolour of the mind

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok.
I wasn’t going to post today hence the late post but because I feel like every part of me is buzzing with emotions andI know that there is no better way for me to get out than putting it here. I am at that point in the storm that my emotions are magnified which doesn’t sound like a bit issue but when it is straight after a point where I couldn’t feel any emotions, it’s extremely overwhelming,
Again it comes to the same thing that bothers me time and time again, the lack of control over this fucks me off! I just want to be able to be alone with my own thoughts and not have that worry somewhere in the background about which road my mind will take.

The watercolour of the mind

I still haven’t figured out if this is down to my anxiety or bipolar, maybe it is both. When I feel my emotional sensitivity is doubled my antenna picks up other people’s emotions. So I end up with what I can only describe as I watercolour painting exploding with different colours inside my mind. Which then makes my job even harder, trying to pick out what is mine and what is not, also what is fact or fiction always ends up giving me a headache.
That feeling of someone else’s mood dripping colour into my mind and mixing with mine to form a new colour and maybe a new emotion to what I was feeling before is fucking annoying. No wonder I can feel so out of sync with myself and lose myself from time to time.
I just want a chance to be free I want to be able to have a blank canvas for the colours I chose to go on there. Maybe one day??

As I was writing this one of my favourite songs came on my playlist and suited the post perfectly so take a listen to Dark Passenger by Daniela Andrade.

You were a call
That I couldn’t put down
You stayed in my mind late into the night
My dark passenger

 

 

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Don’t touch my cake!

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Hey everyone

 

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. Well isn’t this lovely being at the bottom of a dark pit looking up at the storm crackling away above me. As the rain is splashing on my face and the thunder is booming in my ears I think to myself is that all you’ve got?

I don’t feel like I slid into this pit of depression, I feel like I was pushed by a bombshell that was revealed to me, I can’t discuss what it was with anyone, which is even more frustrating. Things like this eat me alive when I feel I can’t even put my feelings across about it, but it is not my news to share and I have to process this the best I can with the tools from my mental health toolbox.

Even though I can’t discuss this, I did think of a way of describing how I was feeling and this is what I came up with.

Don’t touch my cake!

Imagine your favourite cake in the whole world is in the middle of you and your friends and one by one your friends take a piece reassuring you the final piece is for you. As time goes on you get closer and closer to that piece of cake and just as you feel you are about to reach out for that piece of cake someone snatches it away from you for themselves and just leaving me with crumbs.

Well you know what I will get over this and I will get out of this pit of depression and dust myself off, when I do, I will make my own fucking cake and keep it for myself and it will be the best cake in the world because I would have made it all on own. My blood sweat and tears will go into baking this cake, plus home-made cake is always better. This is not bitterness, maybe a bit of jealousy as I’m big enough to admit to that but when that day comes – and it will, I will get my cake and no one will take that away from me and I will enjoy every last bite.

I know this post probably won’t make a lot of sense to people but it does to me. Have you ever felt like a dream or wish was taken away from you? Well, maybe it was taken away from you or maybe you just needed to be a bit more patient. Well patience is a great quality to have, but another great quality is determination, so make that dream or wish happen let no one get in your way.

 

Take care all

Vixxy rose

Xxx

 

wash it all away!

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. The walls are closing in I can feel it, as the dark clouds start forming above my head. The warning signs are blaring and even if you are able to acknowledge them and use your mental health toolbox to fight it away, sometimes you just can’t. I feel like I have been doing everything right to fight off a storm but sometimes a storm has to happen. It is like you are pressing refresh on yourself; the storm can do good and wash away the emptiness you are feeling once it is over.
I know it is hard to see a positive side to a low cycle but for me, I was stuck and I couldn’t feel anything and I knew a cycle was coming I just didn’t know when or if it was a low or manic one. Now I know, I am ready to battle with whatever the storm throws my way.

So my tip of the day is – wash it all away!

I sometimes feel like I don’t recognize whom I am or who I have become. I can be a right bitch but also a shining angel. I was not surprised when I got my bipolar diagnosis I have always felt like there were two sides to me. This tip is something that can give me a little balance during hard times.
I was a self-harmer for a good portion of my life and I never thought I would be able to stop but here I am 6 years down the line and no self-harm! So this is my tip of how I overcome things that are too much for me to handle and I feel that urge to harm and it is also a great tool to have in your toolbox for anxiety.
I will write everything that I am feeling that is negative on my hands and arms doesn’t matter if it is paragraphs or just a few words. I will then go in the shower and let the water away my pain. There is something so therapeutic to see the words wash away into nothingness. Give it a try because what have you got to lose?
I have a feeling I am going to squeaky clean over the next week or so!

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx