Food Not So Glorious Food

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone had a great weekend! Firstly thank you to everyone who follows my little blog, I hit 200 followers over the weekend, it means the world to me that people take such an interest in my crazy little things! 🙂

Even though this weekend wasn’t good or bad, I had really bad case of anxiety on Friday, which has triggered a low mood. I am now in a place where I am over thinking everything and it is hard to grab hold of the runaway train. So thank you bitch of anxiety for raining on my parade. Sometimes my low moods actually have a theme and unfortunately, this low mood seems to be focusing on my physical appearance, (insert eye roll). This is a hard subject for me, as it is something I am aware of but something I kind of don’t do anything about.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and probably have for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, I do not see it changing for a long time as I think it is so second nature to me and I don’t know any different. I have spoken to my therapist once about it at the beginning; it’s now though a subject I avoid to talk about at all costs. I am the type of person you can call stupid or a bitch or rude but mention anything and I mean anything at all related to my size or food and it is like a stab to the heart, I just can not handle it. Even if it’s a compliment like “ oh you look like you have lost some weight” my mind automatically goes well that person thought you were fat you know that right. (Why oh why is my mind against me).
I know the start of my unhealthy relationship is when I was younger and I was criticised constantly by my parents about my size and what I ate, but why doesn’t there seem an ending to the relationship. I have been on and off diets for about 20 years now and still no smaller, I know I have PCOS which is a contributor to it as it is harder for me to lose weight. But because of what went on when I was younger I know have little habits of when I eat things that are deemed as unhealthy, I hide the evidence down the sofa or under a chair. Yes, I know the best place would be in the trash, but in my head, someone will check there and know it was mine.
As a way of explaining and a way of me accepting I have a problem these are my food struggles:

• Hiding evidence of eating unhealthy food.
• Stress eating, no self-control due to the emotional connection with food.
• Struggle to eat in front of people.
• Can’t eat certain food, due to a phobia developed from being force-fed them.
• Sickness and shame nearly after every meal.
• Constant need to diet.

See guys and girls even though I think I can come across as someone who has a handle of things with their mental health issues, I still have struggles and flaws that I need to overcome. I am still a work in progress.

Take care all
Vixxy Rose
XXX

Sister Act

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Hey everyone 🙂

So today I was doing my usual browsing of Pinterest, that app is so addictive, am I the only one who has basically Pinterested (is that even a word) their life for the next few years! Well because I love looking at the quotes, on my suggested wall a quote popped up which was kind caused a reaction like a little stab to the heart.
It was like one of those moments where time stood still, my heart-felt like it was going to beat its self out of my chest, the walls were closing in and mind was going a mile a minute. It may seem crazy how just words on a screen can cause that sort of emotional reaction. These words though, felt like I had written them myself.

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These are the reason why it hit me so hard. I have 3 siblings and we are all so different and we all have our quirks, like most siblings. My one sister though, we were like chalk and cheese. We had your normal sisterly arguments, I take her stuff without asking or I was the annoying little sister who wanted to be around her constantly. Also great times like making up dance routines and watching Disney films together. Over time though our differences pulled us further and further apart, plus having six years between us meant when I was wanting to play while she was hitting her teenage moody years!
But other things came into play, I started to feel more and more my parents made out that my sister was the good daughter and I was the bad daughter. I was bullied at school she was popular. I wanted to stay in bed as long as could she would get up and early and help around the house. She grew up to be a beautiful woman and I was the fat ugly one. I was always told to suck in my belly put on diets from the age of 10 and was humiliated when clothes wouldn’t fit me when they fitted my sister at a certain age. I remember writing a letter to my sister and sliding it under her door, asking her to show me how to be like her so mom and dad would love me. There were times where my parents would even involve my sister in things with me when I did something wrong and it definitely caused more strain to the point where we just stopped talking altogether.
But now years later I can say my sister is one of my best friends, there was a family situation last year that brought us closer together. We are still very different people but have accepted that about each other and learned to build a bond. I speak to her most days and I now can speak to her about anything and I will never let anything get between us again. I don’t know what I would do with out her.
I now know in a way my parents wrongly (even though they would disagree with this) loved us and treated us in different ways, to the point where it felt we were pitted against one another. It was helpful to them in a way we did not get along. For a long time, I felt like I lived in her shadows and I had a lot of jealousy towards her. My opens have been opened and I now realize that she has her own issues and problems like myself, things were not as rosy as I thought there were for her. I am so proud of the strength she has and the woman she has become and I can definitely say I look up to my sister for all the right reasons.

Take care all

Vixxy Rose

XXX

Knowledge + Power = Superhero!

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope you all had a great weekend, mine was hard, I had a situation that caused me to have high anxiety and took me most the weekend to calm down from it. I glad I have though, as I don’t want to carry the anxiety and stress forward to next week, considering I am starting my new job :). I did have nominations one for a Liebster award and one for Versatile Blogger award by the lovely Nia Shea from wonderlandsangels.wordpress.com. Thank you so much means a lot to me and I am so glad people enjoy my blogs! I will be completing my posts for these awards this week.
It is so important as a blogger to read other people’s blogs and interact and help one another. I have learned so much and enjoyed other  people’s blogs and in these last few months, as it has helped me more ways than one. So thank you to the other bloggers out there for inspiring this small time blogger.

So my tip for today is…… LEARN!!!

I personally think that we never stop learning but you have to accept the knowledge you gain to truly learn by it. This past few months strike that, most my life has been a whirlwind, but it has only been recently I have learned things about myself. I knew I had a mental illness and PCOS but I didn’t learn anything about it I just accepted. So I decided to put in the research about those conditions and other people with them, because of that my eyes have been opened and I have become more accepting of myself.
It is so easy to become defeated and take a negative view of things when you suffer from mental illness, Why is that? Because a negative viewpoint, as it is comfortable and feels like the norm, compared to taking a positive outlook which can be new and scary, the risks always seem greater. The more risks you learn to take the quicker you will learn that the risks were worth it.
We can learn :
• To trust others again
• To trust ourselves
• We are not alone
• Things are not always as bad as they seem
• Pain doesn’t have to last forever
The list can go on and on because there are always new things to learn, as it is true what they say, knowledge is power and I think we all have the ability to learn we have the power to be a superhero.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Frenemies

 

1fdb3e9e9c3f8d3997a2624b25a86f12--negativity-quotes-anger-quotes.jpgHey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone is having a good week, not far off the weekend now (inside cheer!). I had some good news this week my new job has moved up my start date so I will be starting on Monday eeeek!! I am so excited and so anxious at the same time. What if people don’t like me? What if they are mean? What if I am rubbish at it? So on and so on…. Yep thank you bitch of anxiety for butting into my life when it is going ok, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
This week I have noticed a few people tweeting about the same thing, losing friendships because of their mental illness. It definitely struck a chord with me and made a rush of emotions and memories come flooding through my mind. So I thought I would approach this subject the best way I know how. So many people have lost friendships due to friends not handling their mental illness very well and this is my experience with it.

This is a letter to my ex-best friend…..

To my ex-best friend,

So what has it been now 5 years since we last spoke, well I say spoke but the last words we spoke to one another weren’t exactly pleasant. So a lot has changed in these last 5 years, I hear through the grape-vine you have a son now and you have fixed things with your mom I am so happy for you.
Wait a minute what am I doing! Why am I being so nice? I hate to admit this but I am still angry with you, I treated you like a sister, I helped you when no one else did, I stuck up for you when people were upset with you, I helped you whenever you needed it. How do you repay me? By turning your back on me again when I needed you the most. Yes twice I forgave you the first time against my better judgment and everyone else telling me not to, and no matter how there are still times now where I miss you, I will not forgive you again.
We were two peas in a pod, we did everything together we had similar issues. Both our home lives were unstable and yes there were times you stood by me as much as I stood by you so what changed? You took me in when I was kicked out and yes I was not the best houseguest but I tried my best. I would have gone to the end of the earth for you and how do you repay me when I decide to leave, by destroying everything I owned, including letters I had from my nan before she died. How could you do that? You know how much she meant to me you had the same relationship with your nan. Instead of coming to me you had a problem with me staying you just decided to alienate me from my friends and decimate my character even to my own family.
As usual, I forgave you didn’t I! A friend of ours calls me a few months later telling me she was worried about you and your behavior, and what do I do I come over the next day and try to talk to you but you turn me away like I was nothing. But eventually, we did fix things again we were back to 2 peas in a pod. We were hanging out every day again with our other friend having laughs making memories. We were the three amigos! Remember the time we went to theme park dressed as pirates 🙂 The late night meet ups at the park as we didn’t live that far away from one another. But I was struggling I wanted to tell you I really did I didn’t mean to lie and make excuses for not meeting up. Home life was getting bad again and my depression was just wearing me down day by day I didn’t know what to do. But if you remember I did come to you and tell you and what did you do, you came into my home and flushed my anti-depressant down the toilet. It was my choice to take them not yours. So I stopped coming out and was making stupid decisions and yes I lied but I felt like you were treating me like a child telling what to do. Then one day you turned your back and told me you wanted nothing to do with me, you used my issues I confided to you against me. Told me what a bad person I was and again just turned so cold, didn’t 7 years of friendship mean nothing to you! Ok so you didn’t want to be my friend anymore fine but there was no need to do the things you did. Like the time when our friend’s mom passed away and I told you and then you proceeded to say I was using a dead woman to try and talk to you again. How sick do you think I am!

I could go on and on. But you know what I do wish you well even though you turned your back on me. I know I have issues and I accept that. But you my dear have demons yourself and one day you should face them too.

Well thank you for the memories

Vicky
xxx

A Postive In A Negative

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone is having a great weekend 🙂 I am enjoying my weekend with my boyfriend and friends. Honestly, even though I still feel a bit low I won’t let it take my weekend away from me and my boyfriend, 5 years together wow! We don’t have the perfect relationship but we are just us. We are silly and childish and still have play fights where we pretend we are in a Bruce Lee movie. We can argue like cat and mouse, he is my best friend though, my pinky to my brain and I don’t think I would be where I am without him.

So I am going to keep this post short and sweet so I can carry on my lovely weekend with him 🙂
My tip of the day is………… STUBBORNNESS!

If this weekend has taught me anything, it is I am one stubborn human being. Yes, stubbornness can be a negative thing but sometimes we need to see the positive in a negative. I can get stuck in my ways, I can be childish when things don’t go my own way. It also means though I don’t give up.
I won’t let my Cyclothymia define me and destroy my life. Yes, there will be days where you don’t want to take part in life and just fade away alone, and I have them too. But it I won’t let my mental health condition take more away from me than what it already has. I will carry on living my life even when I don’t want to. I will keep raising awareness of mental health to help end the stigma so more people get help. I will keep being me because even though I have mental health illness I have achieved a lot in my life. Yes, I have PCOS but I will push forward with improving my fertility and my day-to-day life.

So be stubborn don’t let your condition define who you are as it’s just a part of who you are. Because everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not ok then it’s not the end.

Sorry for the short post I am off now to go carry on our anniversary celebrations, bowling and then back to the restaurant where we had our first date 🙂

Take care warriors

Vixxy Rose
xxx

The Thing We Can’t See

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone had a great weekend; mine was definitely different but fun. Even though I can feel a low mood slowing seep into my body like a poison, I wasn’t going to let life just rush on by. There was kind of mini school reunion happening on Saturday night and I have been umming and ahhing over it for weeks now. As I have previously stated school was not exactly fun for me but there were people going who I would love to see again. So Saturday comes around and thanks to some kind words of encouragement off some old friends who were going to the reunion, I decided to bite the bullet and go. Yes, my mind was making a full detailed argument. No one likes you! They will laugh at you! No one will talk to you! You will embarrass yourself! Oh yeah, my anxiety was being a right chatterbox but behind all those loud thoughts talking over one another, there was a whisper trying to be heard saying go it will be ok. To cut a long story short, I did go and it was an amazing night I spoke to people who I haven’t spoken to in a long time I spoke to people who I never spoke to at school. We laughed, we drank, we danced, we drank some more and yes there were moments of the night where I sat in the toilet and had to calm myself down from a panic attack but it was worth it. Best night I have had in a long time 🙂

So this brings me to my tip of the day……..Strength!!!

There are many forms of mental illnesses, with varied symptoms, but they all have one thing in common. They all have the ability to make us feel weak and worthless, they can strip us down mentally and physically. Most the time though these debilitating thoughts are just smoke and mirrors it’s not true, but when it is your own mind telling you this how can you not believe it.
So to deal with that and still get up most mornings and carry on living your life the best you can, shows some serious amount of inner strength. You can’ t see it, or feel it but that doesn’t mean it is not there.

• So if you want to have a self-care day, it takes strength to admit that you need that time to yourself.
• If you go out to meet some friends even though your anxiety tells you not too, that takes strength.
• If you get up in the morning and get showered and dressed when you just want to hide in bed, that takes strength.
• If you share with some close to you that you’re not ok, that takes strength.
• To all those people who share their story where it’s a blog or twitter or any other form of social network, that takes strength.

Whether you believe or not, dealing with mental health problems is tiring, scary, and unpredictable but also the person dealing with it is strong, brave and a fucking badass!

Take care all,

VixxyRose

xxx

 

Improving Is Loving

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Hey, everyone 🙂

Hope everyone has had a good week and is looking forward to the weekend. In my last post, I spoke about focusing on the tiny victories we can have through the day and not realize it. So I have been writing down every day my tiny victories so when I am having a bad anxiety or feeling particular down, I have something to focus on. It really has helped 🙂
I have had a good run the last few weeks of just feeling myself more and more, a few dips here and there, I feel like the cloud of depression and the diva of anxiety just likes to pop in now and then to remind me they are still there.
Today though I felt that change already start happening as soon as I woke up, it had been a difficult sleep, I don’t know how well to explain it, I just can feel a mood change coming. Like an inch underneath the skin, you can’t scratch, a gut feeling something bad is going to happen, the hopefulness feeling I have had these last few weeks just trickling away. A low mood is about to stop at my station, which is funny considering I am always missing trains due to my lateness, why oh why can’t I miss this train.

So this leads me to my tip of the day…….. IMPROVE!!!

For years now I have tried to change who I am, what I look like, how I act, what I do, etc. (trust me I could go on). So instead of trying to change who I am, I need to learn to just improve who I am and forgive myself for the things I cannot control. I can’t control I have a mental illness, I can’t control I have PCOS and I can’t control how other people see me or treat me. So just my changing that word from change to improve, its turning a negative into a positive.
Things like:
• I am not going to see it as changing my weight I am going to improve my self-esteem and my body as a whole.
• Instead of trying to change my mental health and be in denial, I am going to improve my mental health and be better prepared for a mood changes.
• Instead of trying to change the world, I am going to try to improve it.

By changing that one word to improve, it’s lifting a weight off my shoulders as there is no fear of failing, improve is such a positive word and the smallest thing can count as an improvement.

• Taking care of your self better.
• Making time for your self.
• Doing something with friends.
• Reading more.

So if there are things you want to change, do you really need all that pressure that word entails? Improve your journey and lighten the load.

“We all carry our past. But it is a case of getting on with your life and improving it if you want to.” – Vinnie Jones

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading, take care all 🙂

Vixxy Rose

xxx