anxiety · depression · mental health

A Difficult Subject

suicide

 

Hello everyone 🙂

Welcome one and all to my crazy little thing blog, so as you all know from reading my previous blogs, I have had a hard time lately. The downs have been really bad and the ups have been rare. So I am trying to find that balance again which is harder than it seems! Instead of babbling on I think I am just going to get straight to the point of this blog.

My word of the day is…… SUICIDE

I think it’s still such a taboo subject even within the mental health community. I think people are more comfortable with saying they are lonely, scared, hurt, etc. Even I would say I am not comfortable with sharing with people about my suicidal thoughts because my mind scares me at times I don’t want to scare other people. I don’t want people to look or treat me different because I have told them I have thought about how I think it would be easier if I weren’t here. No more pain, tiredness or confusion, maybe there would be peace, who knows!

I think what we see in the media these days about suicide have a positive and negative effect. I think that it is great that we hear more about people’s struggles in life with suicidal thoughts and tendency’s and it brings attention to it, which is definitely needed. It makes people like myself not feel alone with my battle with mental health. Also especially the sad news about young kids struggling with suicidal thoughts due to being bullied, which really hits home with me, is needed to make people aware actions have consequences words do hurt. I am hoping it will make people aware of this before they bully someone else. I also think bullying is just not just at school but in work places as well, not every personality gels well together, but that doesn’t mean that gives you the right to hurt someone emotionally or physically.

Another influence of suicidal thoughts I have found is day-to-day stress, from bills, work, relationships and to me it’s when those things get out of control and on top of us, that’s when the struggles start. I will fully admit that I have struggled with debt and relationships and that has sent me to dark places in my mind, where I have got to a point where the hopelessness of those situations has made me mentally hopeless. We can be our own worse enemies, so when things get tough it has such a ripple effect on our mental state. I can say that I am probably getting suicidal thoughts 5 out of 7 days, and it is really hard for me to admit that, as I don’t know how to tell the people around me. Once I have got to that point in the vicious cycle it’s so damn hard to get out of it.

The negative effects I will say the media has on suicide are part of the reason I don’t divulge to people about my thoughts. It’s the stigma attached to it that I should be the dark person who don’t smile and you can’t say boo to incase it sets me off, which is not true. I have a sense of humor still; I can smile and can take criticism like everyone else. I don’t sit in a dark room cursing the world, I actually sit down and read and drink tea and watch tv I am not a basket case.

What I am hoping to achieve by writing about this is for others and myself to start feeling comfortable talking about the dark places our mind can go. Just because I can feel like this at times, it does not defy whom I am. I have decided to find a support group, as my first step, to help me with this before I start talking to friends and family about it. I hope that one day there wont’ be any more stigma attached to it so people will get more open about talking about their struggles, so where we can share the good and the bad and be able to support one another with it.

Take care all, thank you again for the support.

Vicky

Hope is a necessity for normal life and the major weapon against the suicide impulse.

-Karl A. Menninger

anxiety · depression · mental health

A Little Routine Never Hurt Anyone

routine

 

Hey everyone 🙂

 

So back again, well in my last post I mentioned that I had received some awful news. Things are still quite hard at the moment and I am trying to keep it together so I can be a pillar of strength for other people who need me. Which is so hard as inside I am a complete mess, but it’s not about how I am feeling at the moment I can’t focus on that for now. That’s not meaning I am not making sure I don’t get overwhelmed with everything and my emotions, as I know I will be no good for anyone if I turn into a complete basket case.

Being strong for someone else is helping me see my inner strength and understand that I may be stronger than I think I am. Even though some days I lose faith and now I hope I know through the dark times in my life and others I have the strength to move forward even when I am hopeless. So I guess every cloud has its silver lining.

 

So enough about my woes, and me, lets move forward to my tip of the day, which is ……… Routine.

 

I have learnt while being on this journey with my mental health that routine is so important to maintaining balance within my mind. I must have a routine with my medication as I once forgot to take them for a few days and wow I have learnt my lesson. The dizziness, the confusion, the deep hole of despair, yeah it was awful. But I know now how important it is to have the routine with them and not come off them until I am ready. I make sure now I have a daily reminder as I am too forgetful not to.

Also it is important to have routine with my daily life. During the times where I have had to take time off work because of my mental health it didn’t really help as much as I thought it would. I didn’t have a reason to get out of bed to get dressed to take part in life basically. I make sure now during days off that I try to stick to a routine of getting up dressed and having something to do so I don’t let my mind over think and let the cloud of depression and the diva of anxiety take over.

There are many different aspects of routine that is important to many people with mental health problems and they may vary between people. From coping mechanisms with dealing with hard days too habits and patterns that help shape good days. Some people need routine with their where they make sure they get out and see people at least once a week, as it is a lot easier to push people away them let them in.

My advise is to find the best routine for you as you may not think this at times but you know your mind better than anyone else. I am saying its easy to stick to routine and it will solve everything but I guess it’s a step forward in the right direction.

“Zen is not some kind of excitement, but concentration on our usual everyday routine.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

Take care,

Vicky 🙂

anxiety · depression · mental health · Uncategorized

Honesty Is The Best Policy

honest

 

 

Hi everyone

 

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write this or put it off another day. Sadly I have had some horrible news and its completely  squashed my faith in life to be completely honest. I ask myself the same question most days, kind of a coping mechanism, why do I keep fighting? Each day it is the same answer……. Hope! I have hope when I am having bad days, when the dark cloud of depression and the diva of anxiety are ruling my life, I have hope it’s going to get better. I have hope during the good days that there will be more like them. But today it felt different.

I woke up and it was a good and I even thought about maybe not taking my medication, but sadly that was squashed. I received some bad news and within seconds my world was turned upside down. All day I have just felt overwhelmed with emotions, it was starting to feel claustrophobic inside my head. I had to push aside my pain and fear and heartache to be strong for the people who needed me, they needed and still need my strength. I won’t go into the detail of what happened, as it’s not my story to tell.

All I can think of though is why? Why the hell does life just keep throwing stuff at us, seriously why can’t life just let us be? Is peace and calm too much to ask for, because that’s all I want. I don’t want lots of money and things and fame I just want calm. The only thing I can say and do is move forward and learn to see hope again.

 

So my tip of the day is…… Honesty.

 

Being honest with you is so important; to me it’s was the first step I took to get help for my mental state. I had to be honest to myself that there was something really wrong and I couldn’t carry on the way I was going. Also I have to be honest with myself on a daily basis, knowing the signs of when things are on top of me and not just faking my way through life. Learning to trust my own mind no matter had scary it can be.

It’s also important to be honest to the people around you. Let them know you are struggling, as the saying goes “a problem shared is a problem halved”. Yes sadly some people won’t understand and you may lose them but at least you will learn who is in your corner. Another way of being honest is to let people know when something makes you uncomfortable. For instance, say it is a situation like a friend get together that sets off your anxiety tell your friends, plans can be changed. Or if you go and make friends aware how your anxiety is making the situation a bit daunting so they can help if you need it. Remember you’re not alone and not a chore for your friends they would want to help you.

 

I wish I could write more, but like I said I’m just struggling but I am trying to use my pain for good and I hope I have helped someone. I will leave you with this though.

A tarot reader once said to me, some of us are handed a few bad cards in life for a reason and that is so we can understand pain and heartache to help other people with theirs.

 

Take care,

Vicky

anxiety · depression · mental health

Decluttering

clutter

 

Hey everyone  🙂

 

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. This has probably been the first weekend in a while that I have not felt the heavy pressure of the dark cloud of depression and the diva of anxiety interfering with my life. I wish that was down to me getting better but I am not sure it is, I think it is down to a better routine with my medication so until I am completely off them, I will soon find out if I am better or not.

So my tip of the day is…… Declutter!

 

I have spent most of the day decluttering my place and wow I have so much stuff I think I am a borderline hoarder! As the hours and hours went by and bag after bag went in the bin (don’t worry no shoes were harmed in this!) I was feeling lighter. I feel now I can focus on things much clearly. Cleaning the space around me has helped clean my mind in the process and made me realize what is important.

What I am getting at is that dealing with mental health issues can be over whelming and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders so why add to the weight. So get rid of the things that are just gathering dust that have no use to you. Ask yourself:

Do they have a purpose?

When did you last use it?

Why do you hold on to it?

Are the memories associated to it good or bad?

For example I got rid of pictures of friends I had in the past, yes there is good memories linked to them but every time I see them I feel pain and sadness so I thought there was no need to keep putting myself through that time and time again.

I chose to keep hold of my notebooks I used to write in from when I was younger. Most of the poems and stories in them are about the pain I suffered. But I don’t feel sadness when I look at them, I feel proud as I have come so far from that time in my life.

Maybe the same concept can be said for the people we surround our self with; I am not saying to throw people away. I am saying that there is a difference between a friend and an acquaintance and surround yourself with people who will build you up and not down. I have learnt that from losing a lot of friends in the past that they weren’t good friends they were with me through the good times but not the bad.

Take care all speak to you soon 🙂

 

 

“Clutter is not just physical stuff, it’s old ideas, toxic relationships and bad habits” – Eleanor Brown

anxiety · depression · mental health · PCOS

Kindness

kind.jpg

This is something new I am going to be doing everyday so I can stay in regular contact with you lovely lot.

 

Todays tip of the day is to be kind.

 

Sometimes during my dark days I struggle with my moods obviously, and I can be a real bitch – to a point my – boyfriend asks if I’m on my period? When I shout at him I feel like I am kicking a puppy. I know I am doing wrong but I just can’t help myself. I feel like a real case of Jekyll and Hyde. I have learned that words are powerful even when they are said in anger. They are out there now and will have a chain reaction. So I try and remember to be kind everyday no matter how low I am feeling.

 

How can you do this?

 

Well sometimes it can be showing someone you care. I have found the community I have on twitter are full of incredible people who have struggles. If I notice someone struggling I reach out with kind words to let them now I am there in their corner. Also if someone has achieved something, letting him or her know his or her achievement is inspiring, because it is.

Also sometimes you could walking down the street and see a homeless person. To me there is two types of people, those who walk on by and those who don’t. Whether you choose to help them with money or not acknowledge them they are human beings, don’t just pretend they are not there as remember we struggle in different aspects of life, a smile and a greeting can go a long way.

Those are just examples of many ways you can be kind by making someone smile, listening to people having a conversation with someone who you wouldn’t normally. Lets admit it; it’s a dark world we live in, why make it darker? If you are struggling to be the light in your own world be the light in someone else’s, as it will come back around.

 

“If you have a candle, the light won’t glow any dimmer if I light yours off of mine.” ― Steven Tyler

anxiety · depression · mental health · Uncategorized

Sticks and Stones

sticksandstones1.png

 

 

Hi again,

 

I thought I would do something similar to my first blog, a story. A story from my past where anxiety and depression affected my day-to-day life, but I cannot look back on it now with humor. Instead this story is about the time I beat a bully literally!

 

So let me set the background, I was in my final year at school, I was 16 and I guess I would be classed as a geek. By this time in my school history I now had friends, but sadly these friends wouldn’t stick up for me against the bullies. Bet you’re thinking, “well they weren’t your friends then Vicky”, but they were it was just they didn’t want to get involved, didn’t want to put a target on their back.

 

Also these friends used to pick on me (another story for another time), so I guess apart them I didn’t blame those people for picking on me.

I learnt from an early age not to follow the crowd, be your own person. That’s when It did not matter what the bullies said or did. I wore what I wore (some seriously bad fashion choices). I listened to angry rock music because I was an angry girl. I was going to school at a war zone and going back to one at home! Wouldn’t you be angry??

 

Well if you haven’t of guessed it I was an emo kid and I was emo and proud. Even though I was bullied I guess I was comfortable in my own skin, I didn’t try once to change myself – to fit in.

There was one thing I couldn’t do though and that was fight back. I never retaliated with the name-calling or the pushing or threw stuff back at them. I would get too anxious to. During this time I was going through so much I was self-harming and alone I felt like no one cared. I went to the teachers and they didn’t help they just isolated me from my classes. No one cared or noticed the pain I was in, I was falling deeper and deeper into depression and I couldn’t find a way back. They took something from me and that was my love for learning I no longer cared about getting my work done I was way too anxious about being there, I just wanted to get through the day.

 

There was one day though. A day where I had my moment, I finally had enough and I snapped. I had finally come clean to my parents that I was being bullied and they actually gave me advice; “don’t hit first, hit second”. My mom sent me to school for weeks wearing trousers and my hair up just incase it came to a point I needed to fight. Oh and that day came.

 

So one day my mom picked me up from school and we drove past one of the girls who bullied me at the bus stop. My mom immediately stopped the car and got out to confront her. I of course was mortified “omg my Mom is now fighting my battles” “this is going to make it worse” “I wish I knew how to drive and get out of here.” I was very much happy to curl up in the seat and act like I was invisible until I heard this girl call my mom a bitch…. Oh no you can pick on me that’s one thing but to call my mom names! That’s different! It was like in the movies, when someone sees red, I felt the anger and the pain take over and I burst out the car and straight at them and she hit me! Just what I needed she hit first – so I hit back.

 

Then we fought. Not like the movies there wasn’t a winner I didn’t kick her and she never kicked me. My mom allowed it for 5 minutes and broke it up and took me home. Considering this girl was the big “I am”, she called the police on for me for assault. By the time I got home police had been to my house looking for my Mom and me. To cut a long story short, the police found out all the facts at school after I gave my statement and no charges was bought up against me. She was cautioned and the school was reprimanded for not taking any action.

 

So the outcome of this; I was able to go back to school with my head held high, no more bullying and I guess respect. Also they realized I was not just a push over, I was capable of fighting back. I don’t condone violence but in that case it was needed I tried everything else, I tried doing things the right way and no one listened to me. The damage was done though. I never got back my joy for learning and my trust in people was damaged even more, not just because of the bulling but because the people who were suppose to care and protect me, didn’t. I have had to learn to trust people again and have just started an online course because I know I wouldn’t be able to handle a college. But I am stronger because of it. I am still here and I will never let the bullies in this world win.

anxiety · depression · mental health

Trying is Tiring

depression-600x300

Hey again,

 

So right now I am struggling, I am struggling to keep my mind from racing; I am struggling keeping my emotions from getting the best of me. I am asking myself over and over again why me? Why can’t I just have one day of peace? Why can’t I go about my day just go to work come home relax and then go to bed without the diva of anxiety butting in and the cloud of depression sucking the joy out of me. Not me though my mind is too much of a pain to let me have that one day.

Even sitting here with my boyfriend watching our new favorite show I can’t relax. I know I am not being me but I am that good at hiding it now, I know he can’t tell. I want to scream I want to cry and I don’t know why (I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it).

So what can I do? Do I let these feelings consume and get to a point where there is no way back? I am asking a lot of questions aren’t I? See I did it again. Sadly I don’t have the answers yet and I don’t know if I ever will and that is what scares me the most.

I may not be able to help myself but maybe I can help other people and that is what helps keeps me going. To the people who read my blogs thank you, your likes and your comments mean the world to me and help me get through the day.

 

If you’re like me and you are struggling this is my advice:

  • Get it out, whether write it down or speak about it don’t let it consume you.
  • You are not alone, I know you feel like it but you are not whether it’s a close friend or a kind stranger people are there.
  • You are strong, I know it may not feel like it but you are, you are still here fighting each day and that shows strength.
  • You don’t need any more enemies, you are your own worst enemy so don’t add to it.
  • Pride, be proud of your mistakes. What I mean, mistakes happen for a reason and we all eventually learn from our mistakes.

 

This is a shorter blog then usual and it’s my way of basically saying I am with you all, to listen to you, a shoulder to cry on and to share laughs and accomplices. Thank you for being apart of my journey.

With hope,

Vicky